How can I Trust someone who cheated on me before?

Recently I had a talk with a friend who walked out of her Husband and was staying with her family after catching him red handed with another woman. My friend who works in Senior Management level with a Bank arrived one day early after her tour and decided to surprise her husband who also is a Top Executive with an MNC only to get surprised herself. She found him in Bed with someone half his age and when she confronted him about it he admitted that he was having an affair with the girl for over 2 years and pleaded her not to leave him. Shattered by his revelation my friend left the House and went to her Mom’s only to be scolded and instructed to go back to her Husband. According to her Mother Guys are Guys and they do get carried away at times and now that he has promised to leave the girl and be faithful to her she should go back to him. Her Family was more concerned about the family reputation and what others would think than their own daughters hurt.

In fact my friend had forgiven her husband few years ago after finding that he had spend a night with a colleague while on tour after he told her that he would not repeat the mistake. After constant pressure from family and relatives to patch up and get back to her husband now my friend has moved out of her Parent’s place and is staying alone in another Apartment and also has filed for a Divorce. My friend had so much bitterness in her voice when she said ‘Once a cheat, always a cheat’ when talking about her husband.

Can I really Trust my Partner after he had an Affair? How Do You Trust someone that has cheated on you twice? Should I stay with my Boyfriend who cheated on me after saying that he would never do anything like that? How do I learn to trust someone who cheated on me? How do I know he is being truthful this time? He has cheated on me once, will he do it again? I often get such mails asking for relationship advice. All I have to say is it depends on the situation.

When most people advice to salvage the relationship and get back to the spouse by forgiving him, I have mostly been against this especially when the breakup is due to infidelity or domestic violence and abuse. When the break up happens due to misunderstandings or involvement of in laws etc majority of times the relationships could work again but when it is due to serious issue like cheating and abuse it is noticed that majority of times despite of patching up they do not survive and results in more hurt and pain. No matter how much you try when a marriage or love relationship breaks up because of these reasons it is almost impossible to gain the trust and beauty of the relationship again. Many spouses even though they say that they have forgiven their Partner for the cheating rarely are able to forgive the spouses from their heart and when quarrels happen they bring the topic again thereby opening the old wounds again. So if you cannot forgive and forget the mistake then I would say not to attempt to patch up with the Spouse. It is better to accept the break up and move on with life.

We all do make mistakes and are many times forgiven for them too. Similarly, if someone makes a mistake the first time I think that person should be given a second chance. But if he had made the mistake earlier too then there are a few things one should consider before giving that person a second chance. I would even say that majority of times Getting Back to an Ex may be a Mistake.

Is he/she genuinely sorry for his/her deed?
Would he/she cut all the ties with the person they had an affair with?
Is he/she willing to seek Counseling and advice from a Relationship Expert?

All the points given above are very important if you are thinking of beginning a relationship all over again as building trust again after your partner had an Affair is not an easy thing to do. If the answer is ‘Yes’ to the above questions then maybe there is a chance that your relationship could be salvaged and made to work and counseling could play an important part in it to understand each other better.

Related Article Links

Signs of an Unhappy Marriage 
Reasons to Stay in an Unhappy Relationship
How to Stay Faithful in a Relationship
Knowing when to Leave a Relationship

Should you go back to a Man who did not trust you?

Recently when I went for a Kitty Party, the topic of conversation of some of my friends revolved around the NDTV Imagine Show Jyoti. I do not blame housewives getting addicted to these numerous soaps on TV. With the numerous advertisements of serials and repeated telecasts these soaps are hard to miss. My friends were having a heated discussion on the center character Jyoti who preferred to choose her friend over her ex husband and father of the child as life partner. By the way, Have we not seen such a situation in the Priety Zinta starer Kya Kehna? Coming to the topic of discussion, while one argued that Jyoti did it wrong by not opting for her husband Pankaj as he is the father of her unborn child and he deserves to be forgiven for his mistake at least once. My other friend argued that a man who suspected her character on the basis of what others say does not deserve a second chance and she made a right decision choosing her friend Kabir as life partner as he trusts her and accepts her as she is. Well, I agree with my friend on that point too.

A few months back another friend of mine was in a similar situation. The difference was that she was not pregnant. Her husband believed the stories cooked by his mother and sister in law and threw her out of the house, the same women he married after courting for 2 years. When he realized his mistake later after over hearing the talks between her mother and sister in law he went to her and begged for forgiveness. And my friend, like majority of Indian women would do, got back with her husband. In my opinion if a marriage has to work, trust is an important factor. If you do not have trust in your partner and not willing to hear the explanation she has, then the relationship is not worth pursuing. I can to some extent understand and justify my friends husband for believing in his mother and sister in law more than his own wife as they have been part of his life for a longer period than her. But what about a man who believes in others more than his wife and suspects her? Does he deserve a second chance? I guess not.

In Jyoti’s Case, I do not think Pankaj deserved a second chance because being suspicious about the paternity of his own child is a serious mistake and no self respectful women would forgive such a thing. Suspicion is something which can be got rid of fast, so he may do it again. Moreover, he believed in someone who was his friend for a few weeks more than his wife whom he loved and married. Now that he knows the truth of his ex wife, Pankaj wants to divorce his second wife and get back to Jyoti for the sake of his child. I also do not think that any woman in her rightful mind would want to be a home breaker even if the guy is her Child's father. Kabir, her friend, on the other hand is always supportive of her and accepts her even when he knows that she is carrying her ex husbands child.

Unfortunately many women, in such situations like that of Jyoti, choose to go back to their ex partner or ex husband because they do not want the child to suffer. And many husbands want their wives back because they want their child and not because they genuinely love their wives. My Question is “Is it worth going back to a man who did not trust you at the first place?” What do you think?