As this old saying points out "there is no smoke without fire", or how about "there is no such thing as a free lunch"? Possibly the most fitting of phrases translates as: "There is no fool like an old fool." What all these age-old idioms are trying to say is expect the expected. When embarking on new beginnings, there is always a past creeping up behind you. The new beginning is your relationship, the creep is the ex.
And what is it that manifests a nightmare ex? How and why do they strike? And when they do, how do you handle it?
A thorn in your side
An inheritance can be a positive that comes out of a negative occurrence. Someone passes and it is your birthright to accept your loved-ones bequest. A Genetic disorder is another type, a less appealing form that can not be helped, causing distress amongst those nearest and dearest. Similarly to congenital abnormalities an ex is yet another variation of inheritances, one which materializes long after birth. The good news about the ex is that this is a curable ailment, that when dealt with correctly can be pushed aside and finally: forgotten about... Sigh!
A nut-job ex is not homogeneous
Not all exes are dragons, a lot of women will move on happily. I can honestly say that I have never been one myself but I can empathize with where they come from. I have lovely friends who I would describe as balanced, kind individuals who have reacted to being scorned in surprising ways. Take my friend who took to hacking into her ex's email account and using the information to cause trouble between him and his current partner. Manipulative? Yes. Crazy? Definitely verging on it. But, in her defense, she was heart-broken and couldn't accept his happiness with someone other than herself.
What causes an ex to snap?
Here are the top factors that contribute to this irrational phenomenon:
Can't get over it: A very obvious factor, she is still sad and wants him back and finds it difficult to deal with him being with someone else.
Comparing herself: This is a really negative situation that creates jealousy and rage. Rather than focusing on moving on or feeling irritated with her ex. The ex places her anger on the new partner, focusing on physical/personal attributes and a vicious circle of loathing, self-loathing and resentment emerges.
Ego-bashing: This often emerges alongside comparing herself, when the ex starts dwelling and obsessing about why he is with her? Taking his new relationship as a personal attack. It is no longer about being in love with her past partner; it is now the case of a crushed ego!
Watch out here she comes!
You have met someone great and are happily enjoying this new situation, when out of the blue: the ex rears its ugly head. The ex presents herself in a range of ways, to a variety of effects; however, do not allow yourself to be defeated. Rest assured that the ex is not a permanent feature. Let us take a look at the most common forms of the ex:
The Hanger-oner : This type of ex is probably the least worrying variety, but annoying non the less. The hanger-oner will glue herself onto his friends and family, she is refusing to move on and has made it her mission to remain in his life, while using those closest to him in the process. It is not difficult for a woman to recognize one of these at first glance; unfortunately the same can not be said for him. Men do not deal with guilt well, so rather than facing a situation they will accept it and become oblivious to it. He goes to a party and there she is; lunch out with friends: hello again! In fact he is relieved that she has dealt with the situation so commendably and thinks it is great that everyone is friends. When suddenly, he meets you and things start to change. The ex is no longer sending out such positive vibes, awkward silences appear when she runs from the room in floods of tears. His friends are finding themselves spending far too much time reassuring the ex, while she expels venom. Hang on a second, who is this girl? Isn't this the ex? When reality dawn’s things will naturally adjust, she will move out and you will move in.
The story-teller: Now this lady has an award-winning imagination! Be prepared for a whole host of fabrications and manipulations. She will say whatever it takes to poison what you have: because she wants it! A story-teller needs very little information to create her tales, all it takes is a lie, any kind of lie and she can cause an effect. For example, it gets back to you that he has been asking to get back with her... Begging in fact! But, he is with you, confused?! After the initial shock and horror has passed and you have finally allowed him to explain himself, you realize that there is not an ounce of truth or proof in this story. It has been created for effect and is a silly form of manipulation. Secure and kind people may find this whole situation alien and difficult to deal with, falling into her trap time after time. However, even the most naive individuals will catch on eventually. The most effective way to deal with this situation is to ignore the rumors, ignore her, and eventually they will get bored and move on.
The crazed-nut: A frightening ex, which hopefully you will never have to encounter. Unfortunately these unhinged individuals are much more common than one would hope! The crazed-nut is unable to keep her anguish and frustration inside and has a tendency to lash out verbally as well as physically. Negative text messages and phone calls? Threatening vibes when you are out and about? Physical attacks?? No way! The crazed-nut needs to be put firmly in her place, not by you of course! Sell the b****h out! Contact her family or friends and let them know that she has lost it, if they can't calm her down, call the authorities! This type of extreme behavior can not be accepted. Once dealt with, depending on her degree of crazy, she will get over it and move on or she will be in some form of institution far enough away for you to forget all about her!
Note: These forms of exes are not exclusive to their named category and the behaviors outlined can overlap in a number of ways).
Fighting your corner... Alone
It has become obvious that there is a bitter ex lurking around your new relationship, she is pulling out the punches, and you are feeling the impact. It is clear as crystal, but, he can't see it! Frustrating is the word! Don't let this get the better of your relationship there are important aspects that MUST be taken into consideration:
To start off, you must make allowances for the fact that he has been in a relationship with this woman and therefore at one stage they shared strong feelings for each other. He is still going to care for her and will try and ignore any negativity that comes out of it. Men want an easy life, so if they can sweep something under the carpet they will.
Often he will only see how he is being affected by the situation, if he can handle it then that is all there is to it, because it is HIS past relationship he sees it as something that involves him only, it may take him a while to pick up on the fact that it also has an affect on YOU.
He does not recognize her behavior. He was in a relationship with the ex and had a certain opinion of her, hopefully a good one. Now that she has become his ex, new sides are emerging that he has not got to working out yet. Unfortunately, at times you could end up baring the brunt of this. For example, his ex is a story-teller and is kindly informing him of things that she has "heard" about you. At this point in time he knows his ex better than he knows you. He isn't aware that she is a desperate manipulator (or he would never have been with her in the first place!) Thankfully, this is short-lived, things will eventually unravel and the truth becomes obvious. The outcome is that you two are now closer than ever, and the ex has been firmly placed out of the picture.
A negative ex is a positive symbol
This may seem like an odd outlook, but if you take the time to asses the situation you will find that a bitter woman is spawned by the loss of a good man. No woman in her right mind will mourn something rotten. Women that have been treated badly do not begrudge their successor. For example, you have got out of a bad relationship, you are not going to return and haunt him, and instead you will happily leave the situation and concentrate on getting on with your life. When a lady becomes stuck in the past and is desperate to ruin his future it is because she knows that she has lost something great and it is fear that makes her lose sight. So, next time she starts to get under your skin, think about why and pat yourself on the back for bagging a good one!
Next time you are at the early stages of a new relationship and out she pops, do not feel defeated or sad, leave her to fight her own demons. Whatever you do, never and I mean never, let yourself turn into the ex-girlfriend from hell! You are bigger and better than this, stay positive and move forward to bigger and better things...
About the Author : This is a Guest Post from Miss A is the social media consultant for Kranich's jewelers, providers of Mothers Rings and much more!
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