How to Avoid the On-Again-Off-Again Relationship Cycle

As a lesbian that has been in a monogamous relationship for the past four years, I want to bring up an issue that I’ve found to be disheartening and problematic: people that get stuck in this “on-again-off-again” relationship cycle. This happens to all types of relationships, but it seems as though this issue affects a LOT of lesbians. In addition, to being a huge bummer when “couple friends” of ours are having problems or breaking up, because we never want to see that, it also tends to leave my wife and I with far less to people to get together with. When the couple splits, usually both sides want to tell their story. We have taken a strictly neutral stance in those situations where we will listen but not take sides with either friend. I think because we don’t take a side, we are somewhat forgotten about by both sides and end up with less close friends altogether. I want to examine the cause these sorts of relationships. Why do people get stuck in these cycles of breaking up and getting back together? Why does this seem to be more prominent in the lesbian community? How can this be avoided?

I’ve read that people get stuck in these cycles for many different reasons. Sometimes everything is great except for one very important disagreement. Sometimes there is one great thing among several aspects that don’t work. The relationship could be unbalanced somehow or one person may be using the other. As with several cases that I have witnessed, one person isn’t sure what they want and keeps changing their mind. My first assumption about why lesbians tend to have this issue more frequently is that lesbian relationships contain far more emotion and drama than most. Women are typically thought of as letting their emotions play a big role in their lives. I’m not saying this is a bad thing; I myself am a woman. The problem, I think, is that the emotion is doubled in lesbian relationships. Doubled emotion means doubled drama and I can see how that can lead to an explosive situation when it comes to arguments or fights. Essentially, these women are breaking up at every argument over who-knows-what.

But why get back together? I think this, too, is the nature of women. We tend to want to be with another person. There is an innate desire to be close to someone and when we wake up or sober up the next day and realize we are alone, it doesn’t go over well. Being with that person was comforting and comfortable and so, they get back together. I have seen this happen many times and would like to offer some advice.

I know it is cliché but communication is the key in any relationship. Being open and honest about your feelings is a must. If you cannot do this with your partner then you are going to have a problem. Good communication for the most part will prevent major arguments from happening in the first place. Talk about what you want and where you see the relationship going. If you are both under the understanding that you are in it for the long run, arguments can happen without breaking up. If you have already broken up and want to get back together with an ex, take a break before doing this. A break from the relationship can give each person time to think and decide if getting back together is really the best option. On a break you are both still open for the chance to get back together so the panic of being alone isn’t enough to drive you back without considering the whole picture. Think long and hard about getting back together. I know it is lonely without them and you feel you have made a mistake but make sure to resolve the original issue before going back to them. If you broke up because they were too jealous or dishonest or whatever it may be, consider that this probably will not change and the cycle will continue. Do you want a few weeks of unhappiness to get over a break up or several wasted months or years of unhappiness being in this on-again-off-again cycle?

This is a Guest Post from Mandi Titus. She is a Blogger, Guest Blogger and Freelance Writer. She currently lives in New Smyrna Beach, FL and works in Public Relations for a large private health care organization. She maintains two blogs of her own @ Vermont and Mandi Munches and can be reached at mandititus@gmail.com You can also follow her on Twitter @ATVermont.