Sometimes life does not go as planned. Every so often we all get flat tires, delayed by train strikes, leaks in the roof, and unexpected illnesses. There are thousands of things that can go wrong in our day to day lives and it’s only natural that sometimes they do just that- usually at the worst possible time.
As we grow up and become adults we learn to deal with the times when it all goes wrong. This is part of growing up and becoming independent. It’s one thing to cope on your own when life is proceeding according to plan and another thing entirely when it takes an unexpected turn for the worse, in whatever way. By the time we reach adulthood everyone has their own ways of dealing with minor crises and major catastrophes.
Not all those ways are equal. Consider the flat tire. Some people will sigh and get on with fixing it as best they can. Some will be more prepared than others, knowing that they have a spare in good working order and all the necessary tools. Some will call for roadside assistance to help them, even if it means waiting for hours. That could be because they don’t know how to change a tire or because they don’t like getting their hands dirty. Some people will lose their temper and have a good tantrum before doing anything.
You probably have a good idea what you’d do under the circumstances (even if you’re not willing to admit it out loud). What you might not know is how your new partner would react. Stress rubs us raw and brings out what’s underneath- frustration, insecurity, unhappiness or just maybe, reserves of patience and strength.
There is no way of knowing how someone will react when things go wrong, until they go wrong. Now I’m not saying you should look for an opportunity to cause some chaos or welcome it when it arrives of its own accord- as it certainly will sooner or later- but seeing a potential long term partner reacting to difficult circumstances gives you information about who they are and where their strengths and weaknesses lie. After the rough patch is over have a think about how both of you reacted. Did you work together to solve the problem? Was he or she supportive, and could you be supportive back? Did he or she stay calm under pressure and keep their temper in check?
If the answer to all those questions is a ‘yes’, you might have a keeper. If they had a yelling, screaming tantrum over something you consider small and fixable like a flat tire, bear in mind that may be their coping strategy for more significant problems too. If you felt you couldn’t cope with a major disaster and they were there for you, that’s a huge plus. If they weren’t emotionally available when you needed them to be this time, the chances are that they won’t be in the future.
We can learn a lot when things go wrong, about how to cope better next time and what’s really important in life, but also about the people we’re with when it all goes pear shaped. Staying calm in a crisis is an incredibly valuable characteristic in a partner. If you can work through day to day problems together you’ll have a much better chance of standing up to the big stuff hand in hand.
About the Author : Jess Spate works as a sustainable business consultant for a number of companies making and selling everything from garden fountains to down jackets. She lives in Cardiff, UK, and writes non-fiction in her spare time.
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