As much as we value honesty in all relationships, there are times when too much honesty can cause its own set of problems. Now I’m not advocating deliberately withholding information in your relationship, but depending on the timing and circumstance there are times when “complete” honesty is overrated. Of course one person’s version of how much honesty they need in their relationship does not always match up with their partner’s honesty requirements, but there are still certain guidelines that can help you decide what information needs to be revealed and when it needs to be revealed.
Too Much, Too Soon- Most people have things about themselves that are very personal that are difficult to share with others. These are the kind of topics that need to be shared slowly as your relationship progresses from casual to serious. During the “getting to know you stage” these things should never be shared because they are likely to overwhelm the person that is trying to get to know the basics about you and you will feel embarrassed about revealing these things if this revelation does drive the other person away. For example, if you were abused in your past, this is important for your partner to know as your relationship becomes serious. Even though it’s an important part of your life, it is not something that a person that you are recently dating needs to know. You need to get past learning whether you have similar personalities and likes and dislikes before you delve into the big issues.
Think before you spew your opinion- Everyone has an opinion, but sometimes expressing them is potentially hurtful. For example, if you point out that he’s wearing his ratty old shirt again or that he loaded the dishwasher incorrectly, or he points out that he liked your hair better before you got it cut, then you probably didn’t ask yourself what the effect of saying this would be. If the opinion that you are about to express is not one that will be received with happiness by your partner, then you should keep it to yourself until you find a way of expressing it that does not sound like criticism. Thinking before you spew out a negative opinion will save you numerous arguments, because most times when we blurt out an opinion that is really a criticism we are met with a criticism in return, and an argument is not far behind.
Don’t Ask and Your Partner Won’t Have to Tell- There are certain “loaded questions” that you should never ask in your relationship unless you are a glutton for punishment. Questions that fall into this category are ones like: “Am I prettier than your ex-girlfriend?” “Do you love me more than you loved him?” and the infamous “Does this make me look fat?” All these questions have only one “right answer” and even then, your partner will need to carefully craft an answer to avoid saying the wrong thing. Unless you are trying to deliberately assess your partner’s ability to tap dance around delicate issues, no good can come from asking these questions.
So yes, honesty is vital to any relationship, but so is knowing when to keep quiet. Knowing the proper timing to reveal sensitive information about yourself and making sure that your “honesty” is not just criticism are two important considerations before you proceed with what you are about to share. And of course, sometimes the best way to avoid the topics that are irrelevant and potentially hurtful to your relationship is to be proactive by not asking any of the questions that you don’t really want answered.
Thats what i have to say...
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